Saturday, April 26, 2003//
26th apr. it's the date of the day melody first took me in sec1. don't ask me why i remember dates. i just do. and this is the day i go for my first band prac. looks like there's some kinda connection eh? yea anyway was back to band this morning. somehow.. things seem familiar, yet unfamiliar.. seems like i've never left band, yet feels like i've been away for so long. anyway yea the feeling is mixed. k. yea. went for odac inaug in the afternoon. the last thing to do before i finally leave. yea. k shant dwell too much on it. would just like to thank everyone for being such great pple k? even though i'm going back to band, i'm glad i've been in odac for these 4 mths..knowing yu all and everything. and also to those who have been listening to me complain the past few wks.. thanks for tolerating my nonsense. love yu all lots =)
[don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened]
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
8:52 AM
Monday, April 21, 2003//
painful withdrawal.
guess that's what i'm feeling now. yea was talking to mr low/yiling today. shit i ought to have more control over myself. anyway yea maybe this sounds cliche, but you won't cherish something till you lose it. was doing pt today.. then thinking it's one of my last few.. makes me feel like just doing till i drop dead. guess this four months in odac is really a different kind of experience from band. the thing about doing things together and encouraging each other. certainly got me to do things that i never thought i could. and things like the hikes and btc.. wonderful memories.. felt like there are always people there for you when you need help. one main reason that was holding me back in odac for so long is probably the people in odac larh. i mean.. after building frienships and all those.. kinda can't bear to part with them. guess it would have been much easier if i don't like odac or something, but the point is i like it.. pt is probably the reason why i'm in it. yea.. to all my batchmates and any odacians reading this, thanks lots for making my stay in odac a really wonderful one. it's been a really nice experience. really. staying in odac till inauguration. it's kinda ironic. inaug is supposed to mark the official start of odac life..but for me it's like an end. somehow.. odac seems like a holiday to me. it's like.. band is my home. then i went on a holiday to odac.. learning new stuff, experiencing new things, making new friends. and now my holiday's ending. gotta part with the things and stuff. time to go home. yea. really hope the odac friendships would last. you guys are great people. =)
[some things are hard to say. goodbye is one of them]
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
8:02 AM
Sunday, April 20, 2003//
i wanna hurry up get this over and done with. this decision's been tearing me apart for the past few weeks. it's time i settle down and just move on.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
4:14 AM
Saturday, April 19, 2003//
just made a decision. hope i won't regret this.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
4:55 PM
//
k here again to finish up. actually there's nothing to finish larh. yea was kinda feeling depressed and was lying arnd on my bed.. then my bro came in. and we talked. dunno why but somehow it feels like he totally understands what i'm feeling. yea though irritating at times.. i'm glad he's around. think he's changed after this yr.. somehow more understanding. heh. sigh. somehow looks like he's more of an elder bro to me than a younger one.. since when do yu see an older sibling complaining and pouring out stuff to her younger bro? yea. feeling quite useless.
[what am i? a piece of trash existing on earth.]
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
6:56 AM
//
k just woke up frm slp. was feeling quite sick just now.. so decided to just slp before my mom has a chance to find out i'm sick. heh. yea peirce hike today.. actually half the time my mind was elsewhere. was on the bus before we got to lower peirce reservoir. then yea dunno why i just msged alison. and told her stuff. yea. somehow things have been coming back to me these days.. whcih probably accounts for the one-liner entries. yea din feel like blogging those stuff up cos there's pretty little privacy up here now that i realise. just a few days ago i was thinking what a loser i was. not doing what i wanna do cos i fear i'd fail. not being in where i wanna be cos pride is holding me back. k headache is coming back.. shall stop this blog for the moment.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
3:11 AM
Friday, April 18, 2003//
dilemma. sometimes i'd rather have no choice
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
7:34 AM
Wednesday, April 16, 2003//
today one year ago. cadenza VIII. shan't proceed further. to avoid a depressing blog. damn what's wrong with me?
[life is a nightmare. i wanna wake up from it.]
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
7:54 AM
Friday, April 11, 2003//
today three years ago. cadenza VII. all those happy memories. yea. seemed like yesterday, yet so far. yea was actually across vch today frm arnd 8++ to like 930. yes. 930. the time when concerts end. was staring at the clock tower.. thoughts running past me. songs of cadenza VII playing in my head. yea guess i miss rgs band. especially that care free worry free era. then was feeling nostalgic and all those. all the thrill of playing.. the gpf factor that makes yu ooh and ahh in certain parts of a song.. especially those emotional parts. guess i miss it. all the freaking out/ hustle-bustle before a concert and then all those gd luck wishes and massive hugging. yea. just yesterday saw xh on the train and were talking. my mom actually called her to ask her to talk be outta odac. k i dunno what the hell she did that for. anyway, yea was talking abt joining band again. well guess i pretty much put myself in a no-return road after i decided i dun wanna join band anymore. k. maybe it's my pride getting in the way or smthng, but yea. dun think i wanna join band after telling my section / batchmates etc that i'm not joining. as in... yea it would be quite awkward facing them again. i mean.. if i were them.. i would prob think what's this gal trying to do? think band is smthng she comes and goes as she pleases? sigh. k actually i dunno if i'm making the right choice. things are kinda screwed now. but i was thinking, even if things are screwed, it just has to go on for another year or so.. so just bear with it kinda thing. really don't know. suddenly lost interest in all things. maybe it's just me wif an attitude prob.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
8:51 AM
Wednesday, April 09, 2003//
hmm sch finally started. ok actually today's a crap day. yea. was at chinese klas. and somehow i started to feel slpy again. and now this tchr was commenting abt slpy i looked in her klas and all those. thot i had enuff of this wif the previous tchr? anyway, yea. was high after her lesson. as in the effect was immediate. just outta the klas and i'm hyper again. and after sch i like just jumped to this person i dunno and said 'hey i'm high'. shit. amanda/melissa with me thought i was nuts. k guess i was. i'm going crazy. dunno whether it's just me.. or issit everyone feeling the same thing. like my mood in a day can fluctuate a lot.and very often too. arh wonder what's happening. this is not good. pple may just bring me to woodbridge or smthng. nvm. shit tmr. dunno what to do.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
7:20 AM
Sunday, April 06, 2003//
one month.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
7:10 AM
Saturday, April 05, 2003//
k i feel like a maid today.. stared off in the morning by ironing the family's one week worth of clothes.. then vacuumed the house.. in the afternoon did some sewing.. altered my skirts. heh. hope i won't become a full time maid in future. yea then somehow ended up talking to my mom.. abt wanting to study only music.. then she came up with a crap reason for disapproving. said a career in music as a performer would be stressful.. saying there would be comps. and stuff like that.. but which career is totally stress-free? nowadays stress is like part of everything larh.. so forget it. then she says i cant handle disappointments very well.. especially if it comes to something i hold dear. k i hafta admit that's true to a certain extent larh. was quite upset last yr cos i din get what i expected for my piano exam. but well. k that's over shan't think abt it. yes. but how do yu treat like nothing happened when yu were expecting and hoping and yearning for something but din get it in the end? obviously a normal human would be upset. whatever. i'm still not convinced by the reasons that she gave me. that aside. then i had time to think. (i had a lot of time today after realising the hol's extended). yes. like my tchr said, if i really wanna go into performing then i prob gotta study music overseas and dun come back cos music has not much of a future in s'pore/indo. then something came into my mind. how 'bout family and frens? would i want to leave everything behind to pursue something which i have no idea i whether i would succeed? but that's my dream.. since long ago. arh i'm confused. really want it. yet i cant bear to leave whatever i have now behind. nvm. shant think for now. was listening to schindler's list on the cd. damn nice. and sad too. the song capable of making me cry even when i'm not feeling sad. the violin just sounded so beautiful.
[the sweetest melodies are those of saddest thoughts]
i totaly agree.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
5:58 AM
Friday, April 04, 2003//
hmm. i see i have been dormant for 3 days. nothing much to blog anyway. haven't stepped outta the hse for the past 2 days.. not even to the corridors. cant believe it. heh. and yea guess i'm alright now. really. prob one of my tantrums again. so don't worry shao won't let myself get back to what i was in sec 4 again. heh. yes yes. i oughta be more rational.. lol. just hope my left brain would serve me well. heh. yes. finally gotta go out today.. and bridged for quite long too. lol. finally.. after not bridging for damn long. yes. then at night i was flipping thru my file.. then the pprs inside are still writen 1s01c.. arh i miss my klas. nvm. shall end.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
6:09 AM
Tuesday, April 01, 2003//
yes. back at this blog again. wanted to blog in the afternoon but guess i was in too lousy a mood so decided not to. not that i'm feeling all that great now. sigh. was at piano lesson just now and my dad just had to call all the way frm indo to check out where i am.. then he was asking why i was out and all those. i mean.. piano lesson.. what's wrong? and he was insisting that i go home straigh after lessons.. hello. he called just to say all these? makes me feel like i'm under 24 hr surveillance. yes. for the past few days it's been like that. but what for? i mean being so protective and all those. even if i survive today, what abt tmr..and the day after? sigh. if the i'm living just for the sake of living then i dun see the point of living. last yr was wondering why my fren gotta come up wif all sorts of excuses to go out. now i know. with all the restrictions and all those. why don't they get the analogy.. the harder you hit the ball the higher it'll bounce.. yes. have never felt this restricted before. even in sec 1 had more freedom and trust than i have now. k maybe i have no reason to demand for trust and all those.. but still this is demoralising. and parents asking me to drop odac and join band.. sigh. been bugging for quite some time.. but i wanna do pt.. but they keep on saying it's taking it's toll on my health.. wth. sick of having to go home looking hyper, putting on a front and all those when i'm dead tired.. but what can i do? if i dun do that my mom would prob say things again.. at least i'd rather die doing smthng i like than being stuck wif something i'm resolved not to go into. not gonna join band esp since after i sorta went for 1 prac and then quit. not when everyone's settled down and all those. all the lil' bits and pieces of stuff just seems to be piling on. dunno. think maybe i've been a lil' too grumpy these days. was talking to some pple online.. yea thanks for tolerating my nonsense. and to those who've been reading my blogs for the past few entries.. sorry if it's kinda depressing.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
4:29 AM
