Friday, March 30, 2007//
i guess i don't get to feel human often. just as i thought i's starting to feel more human.. i have a feeling i'd be as good as a walking dead tmr.. how glad am i not to have to teach tmr morning.. but that'd mean my sun aft is gone. at any rate.. i neeed slp.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
1:01 PM
//
i guess when things suck they just have to suck to the core.
it started with my insomnia again.. been almost 3 hrs since i've tried to fall aslp.
and then suddenly my lab gpmate msged me 'i think you've attached the wrong lab report'.
and so i took a look.. and realised i've bloody saved the wrong file. i saved a past yr report instead of my own. and when i checked thru the folder.. my rxn was a plain omfg!?!
guess this year has been one with more downs than ups. right from january.. been having more unpleasant experiences more than pleasant ones. just last friday i had a totally shitty one which everything just went wrong from the minute i stepped outta house.
i need a geomancer.
i think i'm cursed lol.
and i should be glad i came home in one piece.. nearly rammed into the car in front of me just now.. what with windscreens and rear window fogged like shit till i couldn't see anyth except lights only if they're bright.
ok but look on the bright side.. i'm glad i've got nice people around. as in really. i've got a lab partner who offered to help with my part of the report upon hearing the idiotic thing that happened. i'm not gonna ask him to do it for me.. but the fact that he asked is comforting enought.
and sometimes i realise, when favours come unasked.. it's kinda hard to decide whether or not to return the favour. personally i don't like to take things without doing anything in return.. but somehow i figured.. if i do so.. there's a chance i'd do more damage than good. i've done that a lil too often.. that in the process of helping or being friendly, the side effect was just at certain point of time both parties just sustain some damage.
ah well.. thinking a lot these days. thanks to sleepless nights.. think i should just go on to my lab report.. the thought of having to do it a second time.. makes me wanna cry.. which i just did..
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
11:40 AM
Thursday, March 22, 2007//
i figured listening to recordings can change my mood. entirely.
and i figured i usually have an inertia to begin touching a piece i've done again.. don't talk about the easier pieces.. but pieces with reasonable difficulty. For fear of not being able to play up to my expectations.. to what i'd thought was myself at the peak. it's so easy to expect. yet so hard to live up to expectations..
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
8:04 AM
Saturday, March 17, 2007//
it's been 3 yrs! since the broadcast of mona chew's 'live from paris'!
mercure hotel.. i remember the room and the setting.
Round and round the mulberry bush,
the monkey chased the weasel.
The monkey thought twos all in fun.
Pop! Goes the weasel.
damn hilarious! one night i'd never forget, laughing till my sides hurt.. rolling around on the toilet floor cos we figured it's not nice to laugh so hard at our teacher.. man.. i miss those days.
i miss rjcsb'04.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
9:30 PM
Friday, March 16, 2007//
and so i was bored.. and i decided to listen to beetho's sonata op111.
that changed my night.. absolutely beautiful.. and i generally prefer pieces in minor keys.
think after being with ginastera the past months.. some tonality is always welcomed. easier on the ears.. and the 2nd mvt's so expressive.. i'm kinda yearning for those kinda pieces now.. emo ones. ah well.. maybe one day.. i'll learn it. maybe one day..
so many things i wanna learn.
right now feel fortunate to have 2 teachers who care. there's one who'd without fail wish me luck before concerts, and one who'd always ask how it went.
kinda wish it's not ginastera i'm playing tmr.. i have more in me which i feel like expressing. not really in a whacking mood..
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
8:52 AM
Thursday, March 15, 2007//
i just hate slpless nights. and i think i've had more sleepless thursday and friday nights than anything. i recall having to boost myself with caffeine every fri before lec.. and feeling like crap every sat when i teach.. and i see this wk's no different.
i need to slp! darn so many things up my head now.. i wish my head's that filled during exams.. unfortunately i think they aren't. just like my memory's used to remember things that are practically of no use other than self-satisfaction. i need to slp. it's been 1.5 hrs since i've tried to fall aslp.
and sometimes i find myself trying to restrain myself from takin flu/cough med to go to slp.. and then realise i still end up taking it after like 2 hrs or so.. if i'd just taken one 2 hrs ago.. i cld have 2 hrs more of slp. to hell with side effects and stuff. i need my slp. and lol wat an irony. i exploit the med for its side effect.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
10:56 AM
//
yesterday was a day which felt like 2 days. long.. my academic day ended at 1.. then it's practising with my partner and my flautist. and then flute exam accomp.. and then back to some last min prac before my piano ensem concert. didn't even get to feel the sense of relief after completing 1 assignment.. in fact i had to worry about whether i could play for the next one. but ah well.. a sense of satisfaction nonetheless. 2 down.. 1 more concert to play in on sat..
but somehow i feel 3 items in a wk isn't as bad as 3 tests in a wk.. darn.
and then stuff yesterday reminded me of some stuff.. some distant stuff.. and some even more distant ones.. interesting.. but guess i shouldn't dwell too much on it.
and i figured the touch07 is exactly 3 mths from the first coaching session for many of us.. dec14.. nuspe camp..
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
9:00 AM
Saturday, March 10, 2007//
1 day, many many thoughts.
today's the first day i appreciated a speeding taxi.. i don't usually like them.
over a yr ago i thought i shld've been born a guy.. but now i realise, being a gal is pretty advantageous at times.
driving in a place where traffic is heavy, if yu keep your car too far frm the one in front, you might just have some opportunistic drivers cut in front of yu..
anw enough of those stuff.. something interesting during lesson today..
chara: so what do i do if i play a wrong note during concert
me: you just treat it as you did not play a wrong note
chara: so can i play for concerts everyday?
me: -stunned-
yup the innocent things kids say to you.. just love them la.. =) ok not when they're crying or whining.. at those times i just feel like slapping them.
i know i'm not supposed to show favouritism but i can't help it if some appeal to me more than others
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
4:49 AM
Friday, March 02, 2007//
i feel like a heat exchanger inside a refrigerator.
last night i took flu med to make myself sleep, this morning i end up having to down some coffee to wake myself up. unfortunately i took it on an empty stomach and since then my stomach hasn't felt right. kinda still hurting now.. on and off.
yup and i felt crappy throughout the whole day. half dead for that matter.
doesnt help when i still have to rehearse and have a run thru as well.. amidst the test today and preparing for another test tomorrow.
strangely enough the sleeping pill i took isn't working. it's the first one i took tho. pleasantly surprised to find that there're some at home.. i've exhausted my supply of cough mixture and there's only 1 flu pill left. crap not only this stupid pill's not working it's giving me palpitations.
think i'm crumbling. physically i'm breaking apart. mentally.. i think i'm going insane.
badly in need of slp.
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
7:47 AM
Thursday, March 01, 2007//
alright looks like it's gonna be a long night. or maybe i shld just finish this up before popping a flu med to go to slp.
a couple of weeks ago i booked a prac room to rehearse in and to kill time before ensem session started. for some strange reason it just happened that people holding on to the keys of the room just refused to return the keys after using the rooms. so i ended up with a honky tonk instead of a grand.
but at that time situation just demanded that i's in need of a piano. cos i had to rehearse with my soloist. and so in that kind of circumstances you just have to make do with a substitute. on fridays when i have so much time to kill and when i've no grand to play on, isn't a honky tonk better than nothing at all?
and so it made me wonder.
is there actually anything that's indispensable?
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
9:32 AM
//
yet another sleepless night. alright i shan't complain.. think this is the first sleepless night in a week or two.
thoughts thoughts thoughts.
suppose i pick up a squash racket. and i decide to play with my bro. i doubt he's gonna like it cos i'm way too noob for him. playing with him'd be a waste of his time. and so if i decide to go hire a squash coach to help me in squash, and at the same time ask my bro to go with me, he'd complain that it's a waste of time for him, 'cos the coach'd be too busy picking on my not-up-to-standard squash skills to pick on my bro. and now i see the reason why my bro doesn't wanna play with me. in a game for 2, all you need is to be slightly better than the player who's worse off. and after that you realise you're safe. in fact there's no need to put in any extra effort or sorts. such a game is indeed a waste of time.
enough about wasting time. why am i even posting this when i should be either studyin for tmr's test or just sleeping?
some stuff i need to get outta my head before i could slp actually.
someone ever mentioned "you need to be more outspoken". i wish i can be. how often do you realise you could just say to a friend, "i don't like the way you do this". hardly for me. the only time i can feel perfectly comfortable doing that is perhaps with family. and maybe students.
the need for spares. in the car boot there's always a spare tyre. in the toilet, you often hope for spare toilet paper. important documents, you'd usually keep a spare copy be it a hard copy or soft copy. so why the need for a spare? it's when you realise there's something important to you, and you'd want to have something to back up when what you have originally fails to work (or is unavailable so to speak). but is it always feasible to keep a spare?
--The calm ocean of the stormy sea--
7:57 AM
